i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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