Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
