fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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