Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
