an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
