I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Randomize
