I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
