In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
