I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
