there's paper in my vomit.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
