I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
