I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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