I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
