Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
please don't ironically join a cult
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