I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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