ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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