i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
