My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We got so high we made milksteak
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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