Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
