Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I wish I only lived at night.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
