The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
After last night, I could never be a politician.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
