Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Randomize
