My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
