I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Someone signed my nipple.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
