I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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