i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
i think my cat just said my name.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
