We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
