Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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