Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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