This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
