My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
