It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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