Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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