speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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