Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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