I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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