Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
