my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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