Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
