I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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