Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My vagina just recognized that song.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
