Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
