I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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