I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
