fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
