Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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