you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
