Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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