my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
