I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
