The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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