the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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